The expiration date on the pizza crust was more that 3 years past. I spotted the Boboli in the back of the freezer, tainted with frost and freezer burn, it looked more like the iceman. The placement between a bag of P.F. Changs stir fry and a half eaten sack of tater tots caused the pizza crust to deform. It’s shape was closer to that of a taco shell, than a pizza. The pizza crust was older than my nephew, I was unsure If I should eat it.
Once defrosted, I examined the crust, prodding it, smelling it, studying it closely. It appeared unscathed. I also found some Boboli pizza sauce in the depths of the cabinet, with a similar expiration date as the crust. They must have been purchased during the same shopping trip, over three years ago. They were a team, partners in crime, like a Bonnie and Clyde.
When we were traveling, I was always surprised I did not get food poisoning, or even a little sick at any point. I would eat street food from most any individual, no matter how deranged the vendor or the food appeared. My stomach seems bullet proof. Now back in the states, I figured, “How bad could the expired Boboli pizza crust and sauce be.” Like Ted Williams, it’s been in a deep freeze for several years.
To top it off, I used Mexican cheese that expired two years prior, which I also found in the freezer. I’ve been eating the expired cheese all week, so that already proved safe.
Another thing I’ve learned, when eating questionable food, its a good idea to chase the food with liquor. The strong alcohol content will kill whatever bacteria lurks within your meal. So during this Boboli challenge I kept a bottle of vodka within arms reach, strictly for safety reasons.
I sliced up some mushrooms and used them as a topping. I then accidentally overcooked the pizza, but I figured it was for the best. After sprinkling some pre-grated parmesan cheese (not expired) on top of the pie, it was finally ready to eat. I dove right in, bite bite, vodka, bite, sip of beer and so fourth.
The combination of alcohol and expired food left me feeling drunk, full (I ate the whole pie) and a tad uneasy. It was most likely placebo, from overthinking the situation. Next thing I know, its morning, Im fully clothed on the couch with the tv still on, dazed and confused, feeling like Marty McFly upon his final return back to 1985. The experiment proved successful, Im ready for the next challenge.